If You Heard A Joke Today...Post It

Off-Topic | Jun 5, 2007

  1. HughJass



    11,859 posts
    Since Jul 9, 2002
    even if it's shat

    i was in an accident today i hit a car up the ass... a dwarf got out and said "i'm not happy" i said "so which one are you"

    paddy & murphy walking down the road paddy spots a mirror picks it up looks into it and says "hey i know that cunt" murphy takes the mirror off him looks into and says "that's me you daft cunt"
  2. Spectra



    7,911 posts
    Since Aug 14, 2003
    a man walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gave him one
  3. Zute Registered Loser


    Zute Registered Loser

    14,845 posts
    Since Mar 10, 2003
    what do you call a epileptic in a bush?

  4. FishLick



    6,324 posts
    Since Oct 31, 2002
    a customer at work told me this joke (to hide is sweary manner me thinks)

    If your wife was bangin at the front door waitin to get in and your dog is at the back door barkin to be let in, which do u let in first?

    [i said the Dog, he said "you're right but why?"]

    The dog- cos at least when u let it in, it'll shut the fuck up.

    is that even a joke?
  5. forest gimp

    forest gimp

    forest gimp

    5,617 posts
    Since Jan 2, 2005

  6. HughJass



    11,859 posts
    Since Jul 9, 2002

    aint heard that in years..quality
  7. zinga R U Totenham in disguise?


    zinga R U Totenham in disguise?

    5,109 posts
    Since Nov 26, 2001
    Woman is stood naked in front of a mirror and says to her husband...

    "I'm fat, old , saggy and ugly please give me a compliment"

    Husband turns round and replies...

    "Your eyesight's fuckin spot on"
  8. blade .....


    blade .....

    13,222 posts
    Since Feb 17, 2002
    :ana: :ana: :ana:

    I love jokes that contain the word cunt. And "daft" adds spice to it :ana:
  9. HughJass



    11,859 posts
    Since Jul 9, 2002
    heard a good oldie the other day

    2 monkeys in a bath one goes "oooooo oooooo aaaa aaaa" the other one says "well put some cold in" :laughing:
  10. temper_d



    5,756 posts
    Since Nov 5, 2002
    :laughing: :clap:
  11. mingus BHX/Kouros


    mingus BHX/Kouros

    5,558 posts
    Since Oct 24, 2003

    :laughing: :laughing: gooden:thumbup:
  12. courier RinsingAgentRA


    courier RinsingAgentRA

    34,890 posts
    Since Aug 1, 2003
    :laughing: like it
  13. mingus BHX/Kouros


    mingus BHX/Kouros

    5,558 posts
    Since Oct 24, 2003
    posted it on here before but....

    how do you get 5 fat birds into bed?

    .......peice of cake

    :spliff: :thumbup:
  14. Fuzzt 100% medically accurate


    Fuzzt 100% medically accurate

    12,174 posts
    Since Mar 29, 2005
  15. TomCrito



    1,147 posts
    Since Jun 4, 2007
    I literally heard this today

    A man saw six youths kicking and punching a chelsea supporter. A passer by asked 'should we help?' The man replied 'no I think six should be enough'
  16. vinylologist



    4,276 posts
    Since Oct 5, 2002
    Whats E.T short for ?? Because he has got little legs :teeth:
  17. Metal Malcolm Ursa-thecentrifuge.co.uk

    Metal Malcolm

    Metal Malcolm Ursa-thecentrifuge.co.uk

    1,775 posts
    Since Aug 19, 2003
    How many babies does it take to paint a house?

    Depends how hard you throw them.
  18. Metal Malcolm Ursa-thecentrifuge.co.uk

    Metal Malcolm

    Metal Malcolm Ursa-thecentrifuge.co.uk

    1,775 posts
    Since Aug 19, 2003
    From Family Guy just now.

    "Knock Knock"


    "Knock Knock!"

    "... who's there?"

    "Your friend Stewie, and he'll ALWAYS be there for you!"
  19. BurnRate



    4,548 posts
    Since Mar 28, 2007
    Nah, thats not as good as

    "What is blue and no longer fits?

    A dead epileptic"


    Okay, what is black and sits at the top of the stairs?

    Steven Hawking in a house fire

  20. Bboy Corrosive

    Bboy Corrosive

    Bboy Corrosive

    14,487 posts
    Since Feb 7, 2007
    :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:
  21. Dave Wood

    Dave Wood

    Dave Wood

    318 posts
    Since Jan 11, 2007
    I try to translate one 1 heard today

    A camel son and a camel father lied side by side
    S: "Father, why do we have wide hooves while horses and goats have thin hooves?"
    F: "Because my son, we are desert creatures and wide hooves keep us from sinking through the sand."
    S: "Father, why do we have 2 humps while other animals have none ?"
    F: "Because my son, we are desert creatures and the fat that is inside those humps help us to stay alive in deserts"
    S: "Father, why do we have so big mouths ?"
    F: "Because my son, we are desert creatures and we must be able to get every little piece of grass we find in the desert"
    S: "But father, why the f*** do we need all these if we live in a zoo?"
  22. Barney Trouble The Real

    Barney Trouble

    Barney Trouble The Real

    696 posts
    Since May 13, 2004
    literally just got this by text...(I'll spell this better tho)

    The 7 Dwarves went to meet the Pope.

    "Go on Dopey, ask him", chanted the other 6 Dwarves

    "OK", said Dopey, "Sir, are there Nuns in Alaska?"

    "Yes there are", said the Pope

    "Sir, are there Black nuns in Alaska?"

    "Yes, I believe there are some"

    "Go on Dopey, ask Him!" the others said

    Dopey blushed, "Sir, are there midget nuns in Alaska?"

    "No I don't think so" said the Pope

  23. Divine Styler yarr

    Divine Styler

    Divine Styler yarr

    6,766 posts
    Since Dec 13, 2002
    This is the best I can do without being racialist or making fun of the handicapped...

    A salesman's on the road and goes up to a girl in a bar.
    He says, "You want a drink?"
    She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
    They drink the drink, and he says, "Want to go back to my hotel."
    She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
    They get to his hotel room, and he says, "You want to get naked?"
    She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
    They get it on and she leaves.
    A few months later she calls him at his office and says, "I'm pregnant. I think I'm going to kill myself."
    He says, "Geez...you are a good sport."
  24. DannC Soulfuel


    DannC Soulfuel

    3,659 posts
    Since Oct 22, 2003
    if your feet smell, and your nose runs then you're built upside down! :cry:
  25. Riot999 'Tards Against Humanity.


    Riot999 'Tards Against Humanity.

    22,770 posts
    Since Apr 25, 2001
    Its old, sorry.

    Its just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

    "What's up?" he asks.

    "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered."

    Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub."

    So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

    After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads

    "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!

    A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on."

    They put the teletext on.

    "Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)."

    They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!

    They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

    He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

    "Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

    "No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes."
  26. anna_puk schmanna


    anna_puk schmanna

    1,493 posts
    Since Jul 15, 2004
  27. CunningLinguist In Unimatrix Zero


    CunningLinguist In Unimatrix Zero

    31,641 posts
    Since Apr 20, 2001
    A boy asks his father "Dad, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?"

    His father replies "Follow me" and takes him into his bedroom to his wife asleep in bed.

    The father pulls up the covers and points between his wife's legs and says "That's a pussy".

    The boy replies "Can I touch it?" The father says "No, you will wake the cunt".
  28. Barney Trouble The Real

    Barney Trouble

    Barney Trouble The Real

    696 posts
    Since May 13, 2004
    Little Johnny is at the Zoo with his parents...

    he is by the Elephant enclosure with his Mum, and pointing at the elepahant, asks her, " Mummy, what's that?"

    "That's the elephant's trunk"

    "No, not that. Between it's legs"

    "Oh, that's nothing Johnny, never you mind".

    Johnny then goes to his dad, and asks, "Daddy, what's that?"

    "That's the elephant's tail, son"

    "No. Not that, the thing underneath"

    "Oh. That's the Elephant's penis"

    "How come when I asked Mummy, she said it was nothing?"

    "Son, I've spoiled that woman......."
  29. laputa_sync Live Long and Prosper


    laputa_sync Live Long and Prosper

    18,870 posts
    Since Jan 2, 2007
    contemporary. :cry:
  30. La Vache

    La Vache

    La Vache

    9 posts
    Since May 24, 2007
    Got told this by a barman Saturday -

    Why does Rupert Bear wear tartan trousers?

    Because he's a cunt.

    Beer come out my nose. Very uncomfortable I can assure you.